Saying Sorry Without Feeling Sorry

After the dispute in MSN, I dreamt about my friends including Zi Khai for the whole night. There were Yong Haw and Chia Hui, and some others who did not appear that clear. We weren’t fighting in my dream, instead we were really good friends and couldn’t have been happier. It was dimly-lit in my dream, sort of “orangy” light which made it more romantic and peaceful (I don’t mean that kinda ROMANCE). We were talking and joking and laughing, not those offensive jokes about each other though. In my dream, I knew that I was dreaming yet reluctant to wake up. That was why I wasn’t awake until 12pm, when lunch was almost ready.

Back to last night, the dispute that occurred between me and Zi Khai. Honestly, after the party that night, I realized he wasn’t exactly that bad after all hence I’ve already forgiven him. I did not demand any apologise from him. Unfortunately, he said that before he read my blog he actually felt sorry, which literally means he doesn’t feel sorry after reading my blog. Worst of all was Winston who threatened me to delete my post. So let me make it clear here. It is MY BLOG and I have the right to post whatever I want. Moreover I was posting the truth. I wasn’t lying or exaggerating about the whole story. Since you really did it, why must you be afraid to let others know? Eventually Zi Khai apologized for what he did, but at the same time indicating that he doesn’t feel sorry. You wouldn’t understand how I felt seeing the way he apologized. “Sorry. Ok now I apologized. Settle.” (I should be the one who had the right to say SETTLE). He said whether feeling sorry or not was his problem, the main point was that he had apologized, I just had to accept or decline it. So, he was SAYING SORRY WITHOUT FEELING SORRY. In that case, which should I accept his apologise which wasn’t sincere at all? He even said something like “If I hadn’t . . . , he wouldn’t . . .” So it was my fault that he insulted me huh? Some of you might think that I should simply accept his apologise and let off the matter. However I hold on to my principle. I may be easy going sometimes but I’m not that easy going in certain circumstances. Knowing that I refused to accept his apologise, he scolded me UGLY FREAK, asked me not to go out with them ever again and that they do not want to see me (they=he and Winston). I got really tired of everything so I just went offline, shut down my computer and dashed into my room.

His jokes and insults weren’t a big problem for me any longer, but I was just fed up with his attitude. Is that the right way to apologize? Thinking all over again about our conversation, I asked God why is Zi Khai like that. Yes, that was the exact sentence I asked. All of a sudden God spoke to me, “forgive and thou shall be forgiven”. I was really surprised, at the same time thrilled by His answer. He took away my hatred, leaving mercy in my heart. So I quickly took my phone and SMS Zi Khai and at last, what a relief! So far I haven’t received any reply. Hopefully I’ve sent to the right number. Praise the Lord! He has solved the complicated matter with his simple way.

Ten years later if we recall this, we will just laugh about how silly and childish we used to be. But still, we shall have no regret for all these had brightened up our teenage lives. I don’t mind if whoever claims that he doesn’t wish to see me or come out with me again. The fact is, I might not be able to hang out with you guys any longer as it’s time to further my studies. Thank you anyway for all the joys and sorrows within these few years. I shall keep the memories in my heart forever. . .




Ok, i did look ugly. But I'm still gonna post it anyway. Chill XD

p/s: I'm gonna cry X'(