The Weirdos I Dated

We all have dated a weirdo at some point of our lives. Too early to say “nah not me”, because sooner or later you are going to find yourself dating a man who either doesn’t wash his ass after pooping, drinks coffee before bed, worships the soul of Marilyn Manson (wait, is he still alive or not?), says his morning prayer to Albert Einstein or something like that, you get the idea. For me, my love life has been a dramatic one with an eccentric man popping up every now and then.

1. The man with the 3^rd eye

I will never forget this particular guy who used to tell me that he could see the other side of the spiritual world. Sure, the first time I heard this I got all curious and excited to be able to get the first hand story of someone who is gifted with 阴阳眼。He would tell me that he could see not only ghosts, but also angels and devils! Everyone has got his own angel and a devil, like the good and bad conscious that grow in sizes depending on the good and bad deeds you’ve done throughout your lives, and also the number of times you pray (he’s a Christian, a rather odd one to be telling me these tales obviously). When I asked how big my angel is, he smirked and hinted that it’s a weak baby angel wtf -.- Accodingly to him, the angels feed on your prayer to God and the word of God or something, which made me paranoid because I thought my angel would have died from hunger by then since I haven’t prayed for ages. What happened if my angel dies? I’m left with the devil and my life would be ruled by the devil! HAHA nolah I came out with that myself. I don’t think angels die, or do they?

There was this one time we visited a Buddhist temple in Penang. I wasn’t quite a fan of temples so I don’t remember why we went there. We were somewhere at the top level and I was snapping photos as usual. Suddenly I saw he stopped talking and turned pale as if he’s seen a ghost. Well he did see some ghosts, at least that’s what he said when I asked him about it later on. He said spirits of the deads linger around the temples. The empty shells of the statues provide them a place to rest and the joysticks human supplies keep them alive (wtf?). Temples are their favourite hang out spot apparently. After all we haven’t heard about ghosts frequenting the shopping malls or something. Teehee. When I asked how the ghosts he saw at the temple looked like, he told me they are really tall ancient women in greyish colour floating around. Okay, sounds legit. But whatever, I saw no greyish ancient women.

The thought of me being with a bunch of ancient spirits under the same roof kinda makes my hair stands. And makes me never want to visit a temple again. But the story gets freakier. One time when he walked me up to my apartment, he glanced at the corridor and made the same expression he did at the temple. Dude, we were right in front of my house and he was trying to scare me with that I-see-a-ghost story again right at my door step?! NOT COOL! I still had years to spend here before moving out! He asked if there was ever a suicide or murder or something 2 units away because he saw some spirits lingering outside that house not wanting to leave. WHAT THE FUCK! I don’t know and I don’t fcking want to know if someone killed himself or killed the entire family 2 units away! Jeez. Seriously, how would you feel if your boyfriend tells you that there are ghosts watching you from 2 units away every time you go out or come back to the house? Doesn’t feel so good, does it? If I were more emotionally challenged I would have gone mad like him by now. But I know I could do better than this. I haven’t done anything bad and I had absolutely nothing to be afraid of. No don’t get me wrong, I’m not dismissing the fact that there are spirits that live alongside at the other dimension. But if we had done nothing against them, why should we be afraid of them? They wouldn’t exactly come to your bed and hunt you at night right, except maybe if you’ve killed their grandfather. Those people who claim to be able to see ghosts, they are either liars or really gifted. We wouldn’t know, would we? Instead of triggering my imaginations with his oh-so-authentic ghost stories, I convinced myself that I was indeed dating a lunatic.

I am glad the relationship ended before someone finally had to tie me up and send me to the nearest asylum. Today I am still staying at that same apartment. Every now and then I couldn’t help but steal a glance at the corridor wondering if those neighbouring spirits really do exist.

2. The man with the dead ex-girlfriend

I never knew that alcohol could make you hallucinate.

I once had a brief relationship with this guy who had a dead girlfriend who died after jumping off the building. At least that is what he told everyone. Whether or not he was the one who pushed her off, heaven knows.

It is bad enough that you have a dead girlfriend who died because of you. But it becomes worse when you start feeling sad and guilty over her death again whenever you are drunk. This crazy asshole called me in the middle of night, woke me up just so I could accompany him to the building where his ex-girlfriend once jumped off and killed herself! He insisted to pay her a tribute, and demanded that I go along. The selfish son of a bitch totally ignored the fact that I had an important test the next day. And for some reason, I reluctantly went with him in my pyjamas. Just drive to the damn building, pay your tribute and get over it! What’s so hard about that? That’s what I thought. Back then I would look through the flaws of every guy, choosing to see only their good sides, which is why I ended up dating so many assholes and lunatics.

So we went to that building in KL where he once stayed. I was forced to hold a glass of whiskey neat throughout the entire journey, because apparently she used to love drinking when she was alive, and now he wants to treat her a glass of whiskey wtf. Might as well bring the whole damn bottle of Macallan la why only one glass you selfish jerk HAHA. So we reached the place which I assume is now haunted by the unrest soul of his dead girlfriend, he went over and poured the drink (some of which had spilled onto my pjyamas along the journey, eew!) onto the floor. Which made me roll my eyes because if I were the girl I certainly wouldn’t go lick it like a dog. I looked up to the building and hoped to see some white-faced-long-haired woman dressed in white (or red, if she was in fact murdered). Nothing. Didn’t catch any sight of her. Not that I really wanted to be scared shitless by a ghost in the middle of night.

I wasn’t sleepy anymore by then. All I could think of was my test the next day (which I managed to score well regardless, thank goodness). Left the place after he was done with his crazy babbles but the story doesn’t end here! Somewhere on the road when we stopped at the traffic light, he started talking shit again that he saw the girl following us home because she misses him. WHAT THE FUCK?! Cheebye kia not another story about seeing ghost again?! He said she wanted to go home with us but she wouldn’t harm me because she knows I’m a good person with good intention. Jeez, thanks, as if that made me feel any better. When I reached home, he told me the last thing I ever wanted to hear – she’s here. He was deeply convinced that her ghost was now in the same enclosed area with us and refused to leave. When he sensed that I didn’t believe him, he asked “Did you see this door moved by itself??” At the same time I saw him pushing the stupid door with the back of his hand wtf. He then happily got himself one more glass of whiskey and poured it all over the floor for “her”. Fcking inconsiderate bastard, do you think your dead girlfriend would have the courtesy to mop the floor after she’s done?! NO! I had to do the cleanup!!! Do you know how much I hate mopping the floor?!!!

We dated for merely 2 weeks before he decided to go back to another of his suicidal ex who threatened to swallow Listerine if he doesn’t call it off with me. Thank god, or I might have been the other girl who got pushed off the building the next time he goes crazy. Except the news headline would state “Suicide over love affairs” “女大学生为情坠楼身亡” wtf. I think I make a better Chinese reporter. Teehee.

3. The man who wants to conquer the world

AKA the insanity man as my bestie calls him. I think most of you could guess his identity from that one word itself. If I were to start pointing out each and every one of his peculiar behavior, the list would be endless. Doesn’t shower for days, doesn’t brush his teeth in the morning, never once pays in the club but instead goes around stealing people’s drink, complains about how events and parties are full of fake and shallow people without realizing he is one shallow prick himself, waste champagne by pouring it all over himself (try to charge him for the champagne, see whether he still does it), name himself the official model of Zara just cause he wears clothes (stolen) from their shops, spends all his time on 9gag and making people from all over the world believe that he is a successful model stuck in a useless country *cough* The country is useless because there are too many parasites like him.

Remember the movie The Social Network about the history of Facebook? We watched it together in the cinema and when we went home, he had this revelation about how he could easily conquer the world by being the next Mark Zuckerberg! He demanded for a pen and paper from me, then started scribbling notes macam yes with his usual horrible handwriting. Even drew some maps and chains and webs, whatever you call them but I guessed he was probably just drawing his family tree or something. For hours and hours he just sat there and stare at the paper trying to figure out something. I mean seriously, it was a movie! What makes you think you can become a millionaire by sitting down and forcing something out of your barely-existing brain?? What frustrated me even more was whenever I tried to talk to him, he would SHHHHHH at me very rudely as if I was really ruining his billion-dollar project! I tried to tell him that ideas don’t just come like that when you sit down and stare at the paper. He asked me to shut up and went on convincing himself that “there’s gotta be something”. Yea yea of course there will be something, but you will be the last person to ever achieve it. I know you’re probably thinking I’m such a horrible unsupportive girlfriend la but trust me, it’s really annoying when your boyfriend ignores you for the whole night to work on his next billion-dollar-conquer-the-world-like-Facebook proposal. Regretted for watching the movie with him. It went on for the whole night and I finally accepted the fact that I was dating an unrealistic loser.

I know lah some of you who might think like “wait till he really becomes a successful billionaire one day then you regret and want him back”. Sorry la not that I want to look down on him but I seriously doubt a guy who continues to live in the virtual world with his imaginary friends can become a successful person. Even if he becomes rich and famous one day, I still wouldn’t get back with someone who cheated. Oh well, can’t expect too much from someone who wears my tutu skirt in public.

And did I mention that some time after we broke up he showed up at my place when I wasn't around, stole my shoes through the gate and threw them away, TWICE? -.-

Gawd, I could really go on and on when it comes to ranting about men. LOL. Better luck next time seeking a normal guy. Who is the craziest guy you have ever dated? Feel free to share your stories! :)